Redefining Your Relationship to Healthy Boundaries

Share On Social

Healthy personal boundaries are some of the most challenging skills to master. Most people never have to examine their relationship to their boundaries (physical, mental, emotional or spiritual) until they are challenged. Realize, your present relationship to boundaries was heavily conditioned from your family and continually re-enforced throughout your life. This has a profound impact on how you navigate every relationship. Unless you have consciously investigated your inner relationship to this skill, you are most likely unaware of your potential dysfunction. Some can create boundaries in one area of their life but have difficulty doing so in another. This is not surprising since people are habitual by nature and have had limited exposure to healthy models. Without awareness, most operate by default.    

When confronted, people usually become defensive – as if they are protecting themselves from an enemy who is storming the castle. It is a knee-jerk reaction to manage the pressure of the toxic, painful or intolerable circumstance. It is an understandable and common reaction, but not a healthy one. Most fumble though these uncomfortable confrontations, struggling to learn what healthy boundaries could look like. Trying to manage a charged situation with without inner awareness, is working from “the outside in” instead of the “inside out.”  There is another way.

Healthy boundaries are an ongoing conscious choice.  Your level of self-awareness directly informs the development of healthy boundaries. Without introspection and self-understanding, it is impossible to make an informed decision about your behavior. Mastering balanced boundaries requires ongoing conscious assessment and devoted practice. Assess your position:  Are they too severe? Are you managing them with anger and resentment? Or are they too lenient? Are they enabling and self-destructive?  Refine how you navigate your boundaries based on the feedback you receive from your inner and outer environment. When you understand that in every moment each boundary is a conscious choice and a new opportunity, you can be empowered to change. With awareness, you realize that you can shift your boundaries to align with what feels right for you and you can give yourself permission to recreate yourself.      

The healthiest boundaries are always responsive and never reactive. There is a powerful, symbiotic relationship between your intrinsic needs and the expression of your boundaries.  A true response is always saturated with self-awareness. It is the “ability to respond” as a guardian to protect and nourish those needs. An outside catalyst will always challenge you to refine your inner relationship, but it should never define your boundaries. When you are in alignment and clear with your position, you are not responsible for the reactions or issues which may arise in others. There is no need to indulge in their commentary, feedback, or opinions.  Your boundaries are not open for discussion.

Healthy boundaries are always implemented in response to your inner referencing. Always remember that you are setting any boundary “for you” or “for an aspect of you.” You are never setting boundaries “against anyone.” Your boundaries are not a battle tactic. Let go of the illusion of the outer enemy and shift your focus inward.  This can be a difficult concept to grasp, but it changes the game. Begin by resonating to your internal needs and set your response to that inner referencing.  Internally acknowledge that, “the present outer experience is not in alignment with my personal needs and values.” You are never obligated to apologize, justify or explain your position. What you decide should not be adversarial and never be used as an act of defiance, revenge, or a weapon against another. Instead, allow it to be inspired by self-respect, self-nurturing and self-worth in response to those inner needs.

Healthy boundaries are consistent and sustainable. Your ongoing relationship with your boundaries is reflected in your day-to-day behavior.  When you choose to repeatedly show up for yourself, it becomes habitual. You demonstrate that you have integrated a deeper level of self-respect and alignment with your inner world. Eventually, you will be less tempted to settle for anything else. In the beginning, it is natural to feel insecure and question yourself. Setting boundaries takes courage but when it stops being a postured tactic for defense or control it radiates authenticity. Your delivery becomes clear and unquestionable and avoids any mixed messages. Your boundaries become sustainable when they are a natural extension of you, and you truly believe in them. Others will be less likely to challenge you because of the consistent connection and transmission of your inner conviction.   

Learning to set healthy personal boundaries in an ongoing process. You will refine and recreate them as you develop more awareness and confidence in trusting yourself. Execute on your own time frame. Be willing to shift as your needs evolve. What was appropriate today may not be necessary tomorrow. In any relationship, when you make your boundaries an authentic expression of your inner needs, it is a profound act of self-love.

Picture of Markus


As a Holistic Life, Business and Relationship Coach, Markus has accumulated over 40,000 hours of coaching celebrities, entrepreneurs, businesses, couples and individuals for over 20 years and has created the groundbreaking IRAM: A Map for Creating Conscious Relationships.He facilitates events worldwide and is a regularly featured expert guest and speaker on podcasts and summits. Using an integrated approach of life coaching, psychology, mindset, alternative modalities and meditation practices, he has changed the lives of thousands by teaching how to transform all your relationships from the inside out.

Sign up for our Newsletter