Idealism: One of the Biggest Mistakes in Relationships

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Every human being has the capacity for unlimited potential. But one of the biggest and most common mistakes for people is to base their relationships on the possibility of this ideal.

Just because you get a glimpse of that expansive possibility in someone does not mean that the person is interested, willing or able to realize what you see for them, even if they say they recognize the potential in themselves. Acknowledging the possibility in yourself or anyone else is only the beginning. The bigger question is what is anyone going to do with the insight they have about themselves. All the aspirational talk in the world amounts to nothing without matching behavior. Don’t be fooled. It is only rhetoric. Most people get stuck here, hoping for more but never seeing it.

Your day-to-day relationship with anyone is always going to be an active engagement with their present behavior – how they act, not the possibility of their potential, and not what they say or believe about that potential.  And no matter how wonderful the projection of your perceived ideal may seem, it is speculation. It is not real. And if there is no proof that it is happening now or there is no action towards that idea, it is wishful thinking and quite possibly only a story in your own head.

So many people live in the ideal of an individual’s potential. And they glorify the tiniest “good” moments to justify keeping their illusion of that ideal alive for the basis of their relationship. This is especially true if the relationship is not healthy and they are tying to justify staying.

As a Holistic Business, Life and Consciousness coach who has worked with thousands of different kinds relationships over the years:  business, family, platonic, spouses and especially romantic, the dynamics are often the same.  I hear people say things like:

“But there are some good moments and even some goods days. Should I throw those out the window? I can see the potential of what we could be. Maybe I just need to focus on those experiences and be grateful. Maybe it will get better if I give it a chance.”

You shouldn’t have to weed through all the difficult, toxic or contractive moments in order to find a of splattering of  healthy interactions.  A healthy relationship should be mostly “good moments” with some difficult moments – not the other way around.  Do not settle for anything less.

It is important to understand that the realization of anyone’s potential is expressed solely through their consistent behavior. This in turn creates the expression of their personal character. People demonstrate their character through their actions or lack of actions with how they engage with life and with you.

Use that as the barometer of who they are choosing to be in this moment. Always hold the highest ideal for anyone, but you should only base your relationship with them on the reality of their behavior. Meet them in that place and let go of the illusion of what could be or what you would like to see. Of course they can change but they have to demonstrate that change. And if they are not showing something different, your ideal is an illusion.

Ask yourself, is this relationship in its present form actually expansive, healthy and enriching for me? Is this person walking their talk? It takes courage to be honest about what is really going on. And it can be sobering to face the reality of a situation that is incongruent with your ideal. Most illusions while soothing are rarely fulfilling.  But the the possibility of true change and the relationship that you desire can only be manifested from that moment of honest recognition. Everything else is just a story.

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As a Holistic Life, Business and Relationship Coach, Markus has accumulated over 40,000 hours of coaching celebrities, entrepreneurs, businesses, couples and individuals for over 20 years and has created the groundbreaking IRAM: A Map for Creating Conscious Relationships.He facilitates events worldwide and is a regularly featured expert guest and speaker on podcasts and summits. Using an integrated approach of life coaching, psychology, mindset, alternative modalities and meditation practices, he has changed the lives of thousands by teaching how to transform all your relationships from the inside out.

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